Mistress Writes A Letter To A Housewife

 Well. Firstly I don’t want this to seem like I don’t respect the boundaries of marriage, but as a prostitute, this is my point of view.

Ladies, we don’t intentionally go hunting for your husbands, we meet them like you meet people everyday, through friends, at the supermarket, at work functions…hell even on the side of the road. We don’t always know from the get go the man is married because a lot of these brothers don’t wear rings or come with a stamp saying “taken”. Half the time he’s alone, there’s no trace of you, even in his car! It takes a well trained eye to spot traces of another woman, e.g seatbelt perfume, weave strands, hair oil on the headrest, etc.

My job in your relationship is to give him a break from reality, yes you and the kids are real but so are the bills and school fees and work stress, I’m where he de-stresses. I know my place trust me I do, I know to keep quiet when you call while we together.

I know not to spend on his credit card but to ask for cash, all this is to protect you, yes you, from pain, humiliation and suffering, I get a tired frustrated man and send you a well rested happy man, thank me don’t disrespect me for it!

Calling me won’t change the fact that my clothes are expensive and my car is paid off, it won’t change the fact that my university fees are paid and I get to go to the weekend conferences or boy’s nites out, swearing at me won’t change the fact that he grips my headboard when he rocks my world and screams like a girl, something u probably don’t even know about the man you married.

U don’t know the effort we put behind our little rendezvous just to keep ur pudgy ass happy, and feeling secure. Trust me the more you come after me the more he wants me, the more money he spends on me, the more intense our sessions get.

A true nyatsi will never ask him to leave u, instead she encourages him to stay with you even if you have messed up badly.

We never consider getting pregnant out of fear of having to deal with your sour face for the rest of our lives. So relax, your kids are priority numero uno, even to us, we pick out the toys and clothes he shows up with, we encourage bonding time.

Consider yourself lucky if u find my number, at least u know he’s taken care of when you’re tired, and he’s gonna come right back once we done re-furbishing my apartment. Oh and trust me, I do the fighting for us, its my job to make sure its just us two, any others will be dealt with severely by me, so don’t ruin your manicure, I get a weekly one so its okay, let me do it.

I respect you, hence I stay away from family functions and make sure I take all my stuff out of the car when I was there, I don’t call after he’s left the office because I know its your turn. I have my own things, the rest is just a bonus for having a kind and sharing attitude, I’m a professional with a great job and earn enough, I don’t have time to tend to a full time relationship hence I don’t mind when he goes home to you.

My advice to you “mama’se khaya” stay in your home, and don’t pack your stuff and go tell your mom how u failed at being a wife, it just makes u look stupid and weak and our man needs strong women around him.

Look after your kids, tend to your home, cook those hearty meals you so famous for, I can’t cook with these nails. Don’t ask about me, he’s just going to lie and toss and turn in bed thinking about me in my Victoria Secret set he bought me for Valentine’s day. Let me be, I will leave on my own accord one day.

If u don’t we might just trade places and you going to be saying “witchdoctors” or I consult babalawos, I don’t, I would rather spend that money on expensive holidays with our man. Truth is, I make him feel good, I’m a reminder of when he was young and I do all the things you are afraid to do, or just won’t do because you believe you are past that, I’m forever young and I compliment him, you suit him, trust me honey there is a huge difference.

I respect marriage and all it stands for, that’s why I’m doing my part to help yours stay together, so don’t think I don’t, I respect the nice thing you have done and I love your kids too much to hurt them. Don’t cry over me, or what we do, let it be, play your part and I will do what I’m supposed to do.

Yours (and your mans)